The Zen of Dwight

Some of my favorite Dwight Schrute (from The Office) quotes:

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

 I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like...Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You're gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections...there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I've been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out.. she was. With a couple of guys, actually... so. Mystery solved.

 I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

One of my life goals was to die right here in this desk chair. And today that dream was shattered.

 I never let anyone walk behind me, 7 out of 10 attacks are from the rear.

The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden-days, the women would bear many children so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood...

When I was in the sixth grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.

Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to the local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm…sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

It's a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

The eyes are the groin of the head.